1. Yo Gabba Gabba is by far the freakiest thing I have ever seen. Why do you make little babies watch it?
2. When you are in a restaurant and you give your kid a piece of food and they throw it on the ground, why do you keep giving them food? Especially in large quantities? I think some kind of protein shake in a spill proof cup might work better in this situation.
3. Why don't they put all the kids in one area of an airplane? The screaming I can solve with my Dre Beats, but the kicking of the seat I can't handle. Plus, maybe then they could all play together! Fun right?
4. Why are kids clothes made out of cotton? Babies are wet, sticky and stained. Under Armour makes this bad ass wicking material, dries quickly and doesn't stain.
5. Not a question, but I believe that if you throw a diaper out in a parking lot you children should be taken away from you no questions ask.
6. Why are babies always so WET? It is gross. It is like they are covered with a mucus membrane.
7. Why do you freak if my dog licks your kid, but you let him get in those ball pits? My dogs saliva has lysozymes in it which kills harmful bacteria, that ball pit is basically old urine, rotting food and feces.
8. Why does my dog have to be on a leash, yet your 5 year old can run wild? Like my dog, your kid is at knee level which could lead to a horrible unbalancing of an unsuspecting adult. Unlike my dog, your kid bites when angry. Leashes are a great idea and I thing they should be mandatory until your child weighs at least 70 lbs or has reasoning skills.
9. Please don't get upset if I am incorrect on your infant's sex. It doesn't mean you have a ugly baby, or that I think your son is feminine. They are basically genderless at that size. So if you give them a gender neutral name like Taylor or Sue and dress them in green, I have to guess. I will be wrong 50% of the time. I am sure when Taylor hits puberty I will be able to call his or hers gender 99% of the time.
10. I don't understand people who just hand their children to you. This could be dangerous. I had four siblings that were born when I was in high school. I got the baby thing down, however I know lots of people (especially male soldiers) who have never held a small baby. Not everyone knows about the floppy neck and the soft spots. It is totally cool to ask someone to hold your baby, we are after all a social species, but please remember to give a small brief and make sure they are comfortable. Nobody wants to break your baby.
11. We need a absolute cut off on the age at which mom's should stop bringing their sons into ladies rooms. If your boy is wearing a football uniform or over 4 ft tall, he should use the men's room. If you think that the men's room is full of creepy pervs and you cannot find a trustworthy grown male to supervise, well boys pee standing up so find him a bush or a bottle. The ladies room is not the answer!
12. Why do you bring your kid to a restaurant that is known for its happy hour, sit in the bar area at 10pm, then toss me dirty looks if I say fuck in my conversation? Don't judge me. I am not in a Chucky Cheese at noon on a Sunday taking about sex. I am in a BAR late at night with my friends. Don't go all prude on me now, I KNOW you have been getting down with your husband, the evidence is screaming at a balloon and throwing Cheerios at me.
13. People are very supportive of your breeding, so if someone says they are not having children, don't look at them like they are betraying the species. That is not a judgment on your lifestyle or choices, it is just what is right for them. Look on the bright side, that is one more adult in the world with a little extra time and resources that might be put into Aunting, God parenting, or babysitting for you.
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