Things To Look For To Avoid Dating Douchbags or Why You Shouldn't Date Legs

I have been very fortunate, having dated some of the great specimens of masculinity this country has to offer. This has culminated in my marriage to MrMonday. My overwhelming gratitude for this and a life long love affair with testosterone have made me feel I should pass my expertise on to those less fortunate.

Most Effective Advice- No Legs

I instituted a firm policy in 2005 to never again be with a man who wasn't Airborne qual'ed. I have no data to back this up but the quality of said males was vastly superior to their non Airborne counterparts. I know this doesn't help the average girl so here are some more tips.



 1. Only date American. I am not xenophobic, but the problem lies in accents. They are dead sexy, but you can miss out on verbiage that would cue you into douchbaggery. This is mostly due to our ethnocentric culture, but the fact remains foreign=fling. Exceptions: Australians, Kiwis, and Irish who immigrated in the 90's.

2. If you are younger than 30 and don't have kids, he is younger than 30 and has kids, or he has been married before do not date him. He may be nice, but he has baggage. Baggage trumps nice almost EVERY TIME Exceptions: widows, you have kids, or take the relationship at 1/4 speed.

3. No job, no school, no date! If he is unemployed and not in school, his ass should be focused on that not  on a girl. Move on. Exceptions: independently wealthy with lots of charity, self employed and works a lot.

4. If he is rude to a server or a bartender, get up and leave. Don't explain your behavior just get the fuck out of the booth and walk away. I have done this twice. One turned out to be a wife beater and one shot a dog when he was drunk and got booted out of the Army. This rule is 100% No exceptions


5. Try to not date men who have never been in the military. This may be harder for some depending on location and availability since only about 1% of the men have served. It is not a stead fast rule, but at the very least you should date a few soldiers to at least give yourself a nice comparison point.

6. Don't date men who never work out and don't eat right. If he doesn't take care of himself, he won't take care of you. If your anything like me you probably need a little personal trainer in your man!

7. Don't date men who do drugs. It is stupid and you won't fix him. Exception: You can date a pot smoker if you want to smoke pot. However if he smokes pot and you don't like it, don't date him. It is an asshole move to try to make him stop down the road.

8. Dont date men who wear skinny jeans, beiber hair, drive VW bugs, hates dogs, is racist, refers to women as "bitches", or wears more than one piece of jewelry at a time.

9. Avoid TapOut Shirts, too many tattoos with out meaning, claims of "confirmed kills", "I'm gonna's", and men who combat park for no reason.

I would write more, but I am cutting this short so I can go make out with MrMonday.

Things I Will Beat and/or Mock a Daughter For So She Doesn't Grow Up To Be Obnoxious

1. Screaming and extreme physical reactions to bugs. She is a primate on the top of the food chain and I will expect her to act like one. Bees are to be ignored. Wasps, ants, roaches, and stinging insects are to bedestroyed in her AO. Everything else she may either kill or ignore. These are her only options. All flailing of limbs, screeching and crying will not be tolerated.

2. Not knowing how to drive in every situation. If she reaches the age of 18 and can't drive on the interstate, alone, for at least 4 hours; she won't be allowed to drive at all. I completely get not wanting to drive because you are sleepy or lazy, that is fine. But not having the confidence to do so is unacceptable.

3. Freaking out about getting dirty. Not only is this stupid, it is unhealthy and can compromise your immune system. http://mynorthwest.com/?nid=11&sid=493934

4. Freaking out about body fluid. Although she will learn all Universal Bio Hazard Precautions, she will not be anxious, afraid, or "too good" to step in and provide help or comfort when blood, urine, spit, or puss is present.

5. Allowing her menstrual cycle to be an excuse to be obnoxious. Need a nap, sure. Don't feel like skipping no problem. However she will not be allowed to be rude, dismissive, or to get out of expected duties because of it. If your periods are so bad that you are forced to miss school, work or be cunty to everyone; you need to see a doctor! Right then!! She will not be allowed to use it as an excuse.

6. Confusing "I can't" with "I'm not great at that" or "I don't want to". She can't fly, I accept that, but she can pick up 40lbs and learn to change a car tire.  The only thing a teenage boy can do that a teenage girl can't is ejaculate and grow facial hair. She may not be as strong, fast or have as acute spacial reasoning as a boy, but if she is faced with something she will try or express a lack of desire to do so if appropriate. If it isn't working, she will learn to ask for help or instruction, but I will slap her silly if I ever hear "I can't because I am a girl"

7. Wanting to be a princess. I think teaching little girls to that they are special entitled royalty is spawning a pretty bratty result. Three times this year I have seen a female over the age of 15 say they didn't have to do something because they are a "princess". YOU WANT TO BE A PRINCESS? Fine, I will treat you like a princess. You won't got to school or have friends. You may speak only to your governess and we might let a cousin move in to sit with you all day while you practice needlepoint or do easy charity work. You will marry who we say, when we say, and remain a vestal virgin until we marry you off to the richest (aka oldest) man we can find. Before then you will not be allowed out of the home alone or  to have any say over you day to day activities. In exchange, you won't have to housework or pick up heavy things. STILL WANT TO BE A PRINCESS?

8. Approach motherhood as an excuse not to work- She will be taught from an very early age that motherhood will be the hardest, most time consuming choice she will ever have. She will be afraid of motherhood because of its monumental amount of commitment. If it is her goal, that's awesome. However she will never take breeding lightly and I will train her to see shitty and uncommitted  parenting as the worst thing a human can do.

9. Trying to impress a boy- DICK IS FREE. I don't see that changing in the next few decades. She will not learn she has to impress it; it has to impress HER! She will learn that lazy, rude, and detached is sexually repulsive. She will not be overly attracted to the false confidence of the "bad boy", because she will have her own and so she shall be able to recognize it. She will be taught that bravery, respect, and investment in her is sexy and attractive. She will never be shamed about liking or wanting sex, but she will be taught the emotional and physical magnitude of sex and romance. She will pity girls who let themselves be used cheaply and avoid the boys who do so. She will put herself on a pedestal so she will never need a boy to do it. I hope she is a little cocky about it too.


If I even have children.......

Things About Couples That I Don't Get (and I am part of one of those)

My greatest success in life is getting MrMonday to fall in love with me. We aren't perfect and it isn't easy but so far so good. I love to look at other peoples relationships, it may be wrong, but it interests the hell out of me. Some of things couples do really confuse me. Here are a few. Please note I am not trying to be judge wudgy, I am just sharing my thoughts.


1. Joint Facebook pages- okay, okay, I get the whole two become one thing, but does that need to include Facebook. Who is posting, who am I replying to, who is replying to me. It is confusing for people who managed to maintain their own identity despite mating

2. Boo- and all derivatives of it. Boo Boo makes me think you are talking to a child who is trying to learn to form the buh sound. Drives me crazy!!!

3. Getting angry and spiteful at all the people your partner dated before you. I don't understand why everyone thinks their spouse lived in a bubble until they met. Be grateful, those people taught your partner how to date, kiss, makeup and be the (hopefully) wonderful mate they are! Also when you extend this irrationality back to high school YOU LOOK CRAZY!!

4. Banning Porn- I don't care how much you love someone, I don't think you should get to control someone else's masturbatory habits! Girls like to argue that it makes them feel insecure if their man watches porn or looks at other women. Personally I am happy when my husband thinks other women are attractive, it reinforces his heterosexuality to me. If a man tells you he isn't physically attracted to anyone else he is LYING, GAY or a PEDOPHILE. If you don't want a partner who watches porn, don't start dating one. But it is a dick move to wait till you have been together for awhile the try to make then feel like an asshole or pervert for watching a skin flick once in awhile.

5. Joined at the iPhone- I can't stand when I finally drag a friend out for a few hours and she spends every fucking second of Girls Night Out on the phone with the guy she spends 24/7 with anyways, because he calls her every ten mins! Arg. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, get some me time girl!

6. Trashing each other on Facebook or Twitter- I get it, your partner is a slob, ass, stupid, or whatever. Nonetheless bitching about it on a public forum all the time makes you look bitter and you are probably not a bucket of unicorns and cold beer yourself there buttercup! Know why I don't say shitty things about MrMonday on social network sights, because he could write epic poems about my shortcomings that would make Beowulf look concise

Things I Don't Understand About Kids (because I don't have them) Part 2

1. Yo Gabba Gabba is by far the freakiest thing I have ever seen. Why do you make little babies watch it?

2. When you are in a restaurant and you give your kid a piece of food and they throw it on the ground, why do you keep giving them food? Especially in large quantities? I think some kind of protein shake in a spill proof cup might work better in this situation.

3. Why don't they put all the kids in one area of an airplane? The screaming I can solve with my Dre Beats, but the kicking of the seat I can't handle. Plus, maybe then they could all play together! Fun right?

4. Why are kids clothes made out of cotton? Babies are wet, sticky and stained. Under Armour makes this bad ass wicking material, dries quickly and doesn't stain.

5. Not a question, but I believe that if you throw a diaper out in a parking lot you children should be taken away from you no questions ask.

6. Why are babies always so WET? It is gross. It is like they are covered with a mucus membrane.

7. Why do you freak if my dog licks your kid, but you let him get in those ball pits? My dogs saliva has lysozymes in it which kills harmful bacteria, that ball pit is basically old urine, rotting food and feces.

8. Why does my dog have to be on a leash, yet your 5 year old can run wild? Like my dog, your kid is at knee level which could lead to a horrible unbalancing of an unsuspecting adult. Unlike my dog, your kid bites when angry. Leashes are a great idea and I thing they should be mandatory until your child weighs at least 70 lbs or has reasoning skills.

9. Please don't get upset if I am incorrect on your infant's sex. It doesn't mean you have a ugly baby, or that I think your son is feminine. They are basically genderless at that size. So if you give them a gender neutral name like Taylor or Sue and dress them in green, I have to guess. I will be wrong 50% of the time. I am sure when Taylor hits puberty I will be able to call his or hers gender 99% of the time.

10. I don't understand people who just hand their children to you. This could be dangerous. I had four siblings that were born when I was in high school. I got the baby thing down, however I know lots of people (especially male soldiers) who have never held a small baby. Not everyone knows about the floppy neck and the soft spots. It is totally cool to ask someone to hold your baby, we are after all a social species, but please remember to give a small brief and make sure they are comfortable. Nobody wants to break your baby.

11. We need a absolute cut off on the age at which mom's should stop bringing their sons into ladies rooms. If your boy is wearing a football uniform or over 4 ft tall, he should use the men's room. If you think that the men's room is full of creepy pervs and you cannot find a trustworthy grown male to supervise, well boys pee standing up so find him a bush or a bottle. The ladies room is not the answer!

12. Why do you bring your kid to a restaurant that is known for its happy hour, sit in the bar area at 10pm, then toss me dirty looks if I say fuck in my conversation? Don't judge me. I am not in a Chucky Cheese at noon on a Sunday taking about sex. I am in a BAR late at night with my friends. Don't go all prude on me now, I KNOW you have been getting down with your husband, the evidence is screaming at a balloon and throwing Cheerios at me.

13. People are very supportive of your breeding, so if someone says they are not having children, don't look at them like they are betraying the species. That is not a judgment on your lifestyle or choices, it is just what is right for them. Look on the bright side, that is one more adult in the world with a little extra time and resources that might be put into Aunting, God parenting, or babysitting for you.

Things I Don't Understand About Kids (because I don't have them) Part 1

I wrote these on Facebook about a years ago and got some good comments so I thought I would repost them here.

1. Kindergarden and Pre-K graduations, complete with caps and gowns. Seems like a scam from the people who make high school cap and gowns to turn a profit on left over fabric scraps.

2. How parents can tone out the high pitch wails that accompany youthful materialism.

3. Baby Talk

4. Why little kids get put to bed at 730 only to get up at 6. If you are getting twelve hours of peace a night, why not tough it out till 9ish and get to sleep in a bit?

5. Why name a kid the same thing every other kid is named? All this leads to is Jacob Number 1 and Isabella R., but I guess they will be assured a personalized key chain at every truck stop.

6. Why do infants need a fully decorated room? They can only see 6 ft or so for the first couple weeks anyway.

7. If the goal of the room is to put the kid to sleep, why are nurseries always so bright? Instead of hot pink or bright blue, why not paint the whole room black?

8. If you don't want a kid to be afraid of the dark, why ever put a light in their room at all. Uteri are very light deficient, kid was fine for 9 months in the dark.

9. It kinda looks like a mild form of shoplifting, when you let your kid play with a toy for and hour in the store and then put it back at checkout. What if I want to buy a YoGabamathingy? It will probably have child goop on it, and they don't discount for that.

10. Why do you put shoes on kids that cant walk yet? That's like putting a bra on a 7 year old.

11. Why do you get angry when I am off on your kids age by a few years? I don't have a growth chart in my house, sorry. You don't know what breed my dog is and I don't start lecturing you on the anatomical structure differences of canines.

12. Why do you talk to your child in the second and third person all the time? Example: "Now precious, WE don't want to make a mess do WE. WE should put up those toys before Mommy gets mad" No wonder kids cant speak correctly for a decade or so. They are being cheated out of language immersion.

13. Why do people not explain curse words to little kids? Nobody knows what fuck means the first time they say it. Little kids just say it and then sit in awe when all the tall people freak out and scream at each other over who said the "bad word" in front of the kid. Lesson taught- I say a magic word and everyone around me losses their mind. I feel like that is way to much power for a little kid.

14. While we are on cussing, what does your kids face look like when you have to tell them that shit and poop mean the same thing, but one of them is a "bad word" and one is a "silly word"? And they are not allowed to say the bad word because other tall people might think Mommy is a bad Mommy?

15. Why did having a baby make you forget how telephones work? They are not two way radios. I can hear you when you quit listening to me to tell your kid to stop whatever it is they are doing for the 14th time. I understand if you are too busy to talk, no problem, I can call you later.

16. Why do people have to say their child's name in front of everything they say to them? "Mary, Mommy said don't do that" "Mary, I am warning you". "Mary, go get your toy". How old are kids before they learn to determine when they are being spoken to? Of course with all the second and third person confusion I can understand how it would take some time.

Maybe the miracle of a pregnancy might help me understand some of these things, but for now it is like watching those people who run 50 miles a day. I understand you are enjoying it, I can see it on your face and it is all you talk about. But I cant for the life of me understand it. Who knows though, maybe I will run around the block a get hooked?

My Favorite Tech Things

1. iPhone- I admit to being the girl who called iPhone owners cult members. The I joined said cult and fell in love! Having my phone, mp3 player, bank, Facebook, email, and thousands of other things rolled into one device priceless.

2. MacBook- Same pre ownership name calling, same conversion. I will never own a PC again. I am in love with every Apple product I own, which leads me to...

3. Ipad- Great for school and on the go. If I had the money I would get a 3G one and triple my time on it, but I use is for class constantly. The apps for medical and bio classes are getting better and better.

4. Dre Beats- I have never had a pair of headphones I kept for more than a week without losing. I have had these for over a year. The flat kevlar cord never gets tangled or caught, plus the microphone is the only handsfree device I have ever been able to speak on without having people swear I am in a wind tunnel. The only downside is I bought the white ones and they are filthy. I am hoping MrMonday gets me a black pair as a surprise present one day......

5. AppleTV- Okay I know I am being a bit of an Applelite but this thing is AMAZING!! Netflix and iTunes right to your set from the wifi or your laptop.

What are your favorite gadgets and gizmos?