I wrote these on Facebook about a years ago and got some good comments so I thought I would repost them here.
1. Kindergarden and Pre-K graduations, complete with caps and gowns. Seems like a scam from the people who make high school cap and gowns to turn a profit on left over fabric scraps.
2. How parents can tone out the high pitch wails that accompany youthful materialism.
3. Baby Talk
4. Why little kids get put to bed at 730 only to get up at 6. If you are getting twelve hours of peace a night, why not tough it out till 9ish and get to sleep in a bit?
5. Why name a kid the same thing every other kid is named? All this leads to is Jacob Number 1 and Isabella R., but I guess they will be assured a personalized key chain at every truck stop.
6. Why do infants need a fully decorated room? They can only see 6 ft or so for the first couple weeks anyway.
7. If the goal of the room is to put the kid to sleep, why are nurseries always so bright? Instead of hot pink or bright blue, why not paint the whole room black?
8. If you don't want a kid to be afraid of the dark, why ever put a light in their room at all. Uteri are very light deficient, kid was fine for 9 months in the dark.
9. It kinda looks like a mild form of shoplifting, when you let your kid play with a toy for and hour in the store and then put it back at checkout. What if I want to buy a YoGabamathingy? It will probably have child goop on it, and they don't discount for that.
10. Why do you put shoes on kids that cant walk yet? That's like putting a bra on a 7 year old.
11. Why do you get angry when I am off on your kids age by a few years? I don't have a growth chart in my house, sorry. You don't know what breed my dog is and I don't start lecturing you on the anatomical structure differences of canines.
12. Why do you talk to your child in the second and third person all the time? Example: "Now precious, WE don't want to make a mess do WE. WE should put up those toys before Mommy gets mad" No wonder kids cant speak correctly for a decade or so. They are being cheated out of language immersion.
13. Why do people not explain curse words to little kids? Nobody knows what fuck means the first time they say it. Little kids just say it and then sit in awe when all the tall people freak out and scream at each other over who said the "bad word" in front of the kid. Lesson taught- I say a magic word and everyone around me losses their mind. I feel like that is way to much power for a little kid.
14. While we are on cussing, what does your kids face look like when you have to tell them that shit and poop mean the same thing, but one of them is a "bad word" and one is a "silly word"? And they are not allowed to say the bad word because other tall people might think Mommy is a bad Mommy?
15. Why did having a baby make you forget how telephones work? They are not two way radios. I can hear you when you quit listening to me to tell your kid to stop whatever it is they are doing for the 14th time. I understand if you are too busy to talk, no problem, I can call you later.
16. Why do people have to say their child's name in front of everything they say to them? "Mary, Mommy said don't do that" "Mary, I am warning you". "Mary, go get your toy". How old are kids before they learn to determine when they are being spoken to? Of course with all the second and third person confusion I can understand how it would take some time.
Maybe the miracle of a pregnancy might help me understand some of these things, but for now it is like watching those people who run 50 miles a day. I understand you are enjoying it, I can see it on your face and it is all you talk about. But I cant for the life of me understand it. Who knows though, maybe I will run around the block a get hooked?
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