Things I Will Beat and/or Mock a Daughter For So She Doesn't Grow Up To Be Obnoxious

1. Screaming and extreme physical reactions to bugs. She is a primate on the top of the food chain and I will expect her to act like one. Bees are to be ignored. Wasps, ants, roaches, and stinging insects are to bedestroyed in her AO. Everything else she may either kill or ignore. These are her only options. All flailing of limbs, screeching and crying will not be tolerated.

2. Not knowing how to drive in every situation. If she reaches the age of 18 and can't drive on the interstate, alone, for at least 4 hours; she won't be allowed to drive at all. I completely get not wanting to drive because you are sleepy or lazy, that is fine. But not having the confidence to do so is unacceptable.

3. Freaking out about getting dirty. Not only is this stupid, it is unhealthy and can compromise your immune system. http://mynorthwest.com/?nid=11&sid=493934

4. Freaking out about body fluid. Although she will learn all Universal Bio Hazard Precautions, she will not be anxious, afraid, or "too good" to step in and provide help or comfort when blood, urine, spit, or puss is present.

5. Allowing her menstrual cycle to be an excuse to be obnoxious. Need a nap, sure. Don't feel like skipping no problem. However she will not be allowed to be rude, dismissive, or to get out of expected duties because of it. If your periods are so bad that you are forced to miss school, work or be cunty to everyone; you need to see a doctor! Right then!! She will not be allowed to use it as an excuse.

6. Confusing "I can't" with "I'm not great at that" or "I don't want to". She can't fly, I accept that, but she can pick up 40lbs and learn to change a car tire.  The only thing a teenage boy can do that a teenage girl can't is ejaculate and grow facial hair. She may not be as strong, fast or have as acute spacial reasoning as a boy, but if she is faced with something she will try or express a lack of desire to do so if appropriate. If it isn't working, she will learn to ask for help or instruction, but I will slap her silly if I ever hear "I can't because I am a girl"

7. Wanting to be a princess. I think teaching little girls to that they are special entitled royalty is spawning a pretty bratty result. Three times this year I have seen a female over the age of 15 say they didn't have to do something because they are a "princess". YOU WANT TO BE A PRINCESS? Fine, I will treat you like a princess. You won't got to school or have friends. You may speak only to your governess and we might let a cousin move in to sit with you all day while you practice needlepoint or do easy charity work. You will marry who we say, when we say, and remain a vestal virgin until we marry you off to the richest (aka oldest) man we can find. Before then you will not be allowed out of the home alone or  to have any say over you day to day activities. In exchange, you won't have to housework or pick up heavy things. STILL WANT TO BE A PRINCESS?

8. Approach motherhood as an excuse not to work- She will be taught from an very early age that motherhood will be the hardest, most time consuming choice she will ever have. She will be afraid of motherhood because of its monumental amount of commitment. If it is her goal, that's awesome. However she will never take breeding lightly and I will train her to see shitty and uncommitted  parenting as the worst thing a human can do.

9. Trying to impress a boy- DICK IS FREE. I don't see that changing in the next few decades. She will not learn she has to impress it; it has to impress HER! She will learn that lazy, rude, and detached is sexually repulsive. She will not be overly attracted to the false confidence of the "bad boy", because she will have her own and so she shall be able to recognize it. She will be taught that bravery, respect, and investment in her is sexy and attractive. She will never be shamed about liking or wanting sex, but she will be taught the emotional and physical magnitude of sex and romance. She will pity girls who let themselves be used cheaply and avoid the boys who do so. She will put herself on a pedestal so she will never need a boy to do it. I hope she is a little cocky about it too.


If I even have children.......